so there i was trying to write...

when i had the worst writers block of all time.
seriously, i think i went through a zillion sheets of paper and i tried a BAzillion chord progressions on my guitar and i just cant write anything and everything sounds wrong and the lyrics are stupid and the melody is boring and its because right now, for some reason, inside my head sort of feels like this:

which is a horrible feeling. its the same sort of feeling like when you go to the fridge and you realize that absolutely everything is making you feel nauseous just looking at it but you know you've got to eat. thats how i feel; like i have to just shut up and take whats going on no matter how sick it makes me feel. which SOUNDS incredibly dramatic, and probably is, but im not one to apologize if im not sorry, and im NOT sorry.
im venting.
also i simply CANNOT focus. on anything. for DAYS now.

i live in a place right now where i am almost entirely cut off from everything i have grown accustomed to over the last four years and the horrible part is that it doesnt feel like a hometown anymore. it feels like a magnifying glass, under which i can see everything that is wrong or seemingly wrong with me and in my whole life. i feel like a spider pinned to a poster-board for some pimply little kids project and i can hear her saying 'mommy there's something wrong with this one. lets throw it away.'

trapped in a glass. thats a bit how i feel tonight. which is rubbish because i have very little, if anything, to be so pissy about. i have a roof, i have food, i have my mom, i have a job.


but im lonely, which is dumb, because i don't have time to be lonely and whats making it worse is that i dont know what i want when it comes to others anymore and so i have no idea how to make myself happy in that area of my life.
i am moving soon, to l.a., and so i dont really want to start anything, but at the same time i hate to be alone, but at the same time STILL i dont want to be with someone JUST because i am lonely because that is ALWAYS a very bad idea. and so now i sort of feel like my heart is turning into this:

which sucks because i love to be in love, but lately i feel so bitter and cranky that i sometimes think i wont ever want to be in love again, which is bullocks and i know its not true but it is a sucky thing to have in the back of your mind and in the pit of your gut anyway. i look at couples and i just get mad and i hear love songs and they make me sad and underlying all of this i think is a sort of jealousy that i can't control and have never felt before.


when i am with someone, jealousy is something that i have never experienced. i am a bit of a freak when it comes to being a girl because i simply dont get jealous in a relationship. but for some reason that doesnt seem to extend to coveting OTHER peoples relationships when i am not in one. its the same kind of jealousy i would get when hilary brown got to have a trampoline or when katrin got to go to peru for a semester. i see it and i want it and it kills me because i dont know WHAT i want.
also, i have the most peculiar standards, about which i am very inflexible, and probably this will decrease my chances of finding that person at least for a very long time but i have never been in a truly healthy relationship before, and i refuse to go through what i went through with my previous paramours. i REFUSE to lower those standards. they are far too complicated to describe here and i am already letting this get away from me but i needed a good rant and im sure that by tomorrow or the next day i will be right as rain, or at least distracted enough to forget that im NOT.

thats a bit how i feel tonight. but hopefully, by tomorrow, i'll feel more like this:

anyhow, before this turns any more angsty and stupid i think im going to go. maybe watch a little ncis; always cheers me up. and so i leave you with the infinite wisdom of rock, paper, cynic.

cheers


~*~
DFTBA